Trapped


I will try to make this as short as possible and it will not be revealing in any way. 🙂
This is just my thoughts and it has far less to do with sexuality than you might think.

Since puberty I’ve questioned myself, my gender and my sexuality, almost every single day.
Why?
This takes a little time travel so here we go. 🙂

[BLAM!]
We are now in the year of the Kennedy shoting, 1963.
I was born and my parents where… a bit special.
My mother was a hard working, strong, no-nonsense kind of woman and my father was the same kind of straight forward man. He was also a professional criminal.

Growing up, I met a lot of “special” people.
Many of them had criminal records a mile long.
Some where gay, some where hetero, some where… something else.
I learned at an early stage that “the worst people” can be very kind and the “normal” people can be the worst.
My curiosity about what makes people act or do what they do, started here.
I understood that some people was “different” but it was not untill puberty I fully grasped the facts about gays and hetero people.

And then there was these other people…
Most of the men, had the apperance of men and they did very “manly” things, like soldiers, pilots, robbers and so on but they didn’t “feel” like men when you talked to them.
It felt more like talking to my sister, or my mum.

Time travel forward to the late 70s and early 80s.

[BLAM!]
Started doing some bouncer work in all the wrong places and learned what some people can do for money, sex and/or drugs and learned about a terrible diseases that killed friends… mostly men.

I also learned about myself, my views on sexuality and coming to terms with the fact that I was hetero.
I liked women. I liked being around women, talking to them, the touch of them and so on.
Just a hetero human male in a period when “free and unsafe sex” often spellt death.

My gender identity is very strong, maybe that is why I can adventure out, from it.
Just as it is with my non-belief, I stand on firm ground and don’t feel any kind of threat or discomfort, talking to people with any kind of sexuality and/or gender.

Fast forward to the early 90s.

[BLAM!]
What made me get a deeper understanding of the term “gender dysphoria”, was a completely different happening.
It wasn’t called gender dysphoria at the time, but that is what it was.

I watched a documentary about a home for mentaly disabled people and there was a guy, sitting in a wheel chair, trying to talk, or scream, during the whole program.
He was almost completely paralyzed and his speech was slured.
A month later I learned that a camera man, during the filming of the documentary, had taken an interest in this “obnoxious” man and tried to talk to him.

Turns out the man was completely sane and had been placed in the home at a very young age.
He had learned himself to read and tried to read as much as possible but the personel, who didn’t hear, or understand him, took away books and or papers he was trying to read and treated him like he was mentaly retarded.
When the camera man “found” the guy, he had been trapped in the home for over 37 years…

Let that sink in for a moment…

After having all these years of experiences, meetings and discussions, and after watching thousands of trans gender videos from all kind of people I think I have got a small glimpse of what it’s like to be “trapped inside the wrong body”.

I’m still learning… and so should you 🙂

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